I’ll be honest. I never thought I would be able to live beyond the heartache of losing my daughter. I really didn’t think I would ever get to the level of peace and ok-ness that I am at either.
In many ways, 5 years seems like yesterday and yet it’s also a lifetime. There has been anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, hope, hatred, peace, love..you name it, it’s all happened. Screaming, crying, laughing til it hurts.
Nothing can ever prepare you for a loss of this magnitude. Nothing. But I do attribute getting through this the way I have to a number of things:
- The mindset and attitude I had pre loss
- My belief system
- The unbelievable support of my family and friends
- Getting outside
- Letting my emotions out
- Talking about my loss
- Writing in all formats
- Taking care of me on all levels
Finally after 5 years, I see light. I feel lighter. I feel ready to live. I am ready to be me again with no guilt about that (believe me there was a ton of it; more on that in another post)
That’s me. I feel like I am in a really good place at this point. I still cry and have my moments, but it’s different. It’s like a reset button.
I still miss Kayla’s smile and laugh and sense of humor. I miss her stunning beauty. I wish she got to raise her beautiful daughter and see how much she resembles her. I miss her swearing. I miss her farting and laughing hysterically about it. I miss everything about her. I wish it was different but I have accepted that it’s not. This is the reality and I am still here. I cannot waste this opportunity called life. Kayla passed…I did not.
All of this is my reflection at the 5 years of loss point. I write as I hope it will give someone else hope. There is light at the end of the long twisted and very dark tunnel. Keep Wending your Way.
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