I always loved January. It always felt so fresh and clean and new. It signalled a fresh start. A brand spanking new year of possibilities. I saw nothing but opportunity and positivity. When other people struggled with the January blues, I got my shit together and shone!
Then, everything bad that could happen in a month to a mother happened.
January 23 2017. January 31, 2017.
I get anxiety just writing those dates.
As much as I try, as much healing and self care that I do, they are still raw and sad dates. And now we are under a stay at home order and one of my coping mechanisms, spending time with my beautiful grandbabies, is on hold.
What I have learned through all of this though, is that the dreading of the dates arrival is usually worse than the actual days.
So how have I gotten through the last almost 4 years now? The answer is pretty simple: I don’t have a choice. I’m still here, I am still living and I still have a daughter that is very much alive who needs me, 3 grandsons I see that need me, another granddaughter that needs me that I don’t get to see, a spouse that needs me..I still have living beautiful thriving people here. I have so much to be present for. And sometimes too, that brings some grief guilt.
I often find that January brings with it now a huge lack of mental clarity. It houses a lack of focus and just a pall that lies over my normally very optimistic and positive nature. I am capable of just getting through and figuring shit out once the dark cloud lifts but I don’t want to just get through it. I don’t want to suffer through. That my friends, that is not living. My oldest grandson, who is still grieving and traumatized himself is watching me. He sees how I deal with it and I need to ensure he gains strength from me.
So, I’m devising a plan.
Daily meditation and exercise are an absolute must right now. Meditation allows me to observe my emotions without reacting. I can literally see what I am feeling and examine it. It brings a sense of calm and control which helps to brighten that outlook. The exercise is an outlet. It brings the emotions up and out. It releases a ton of negative energy while creating those beautiful endorphins that light you up inside.
I will be spending even more time outside. Yep, it’s January and cold but I have boots and snowpants and all the shit to warm me up. I plan on purchasing a camera for my upcoming birthday (the big 5.0) so I can take amazing pictures of all my nature and bird stuff.
I will be writing a lot. I may share it, I may not. Maybe I’ll start writing a book. Writing this blog has been such an amazing emotional healer for me.
I’m abstaining from alcohol. It makes everything harder to deal with and it makes me feel like crap anyway.
This January, I am more than just ok. I am a phoenix that rises from the ashes.
“All is well in my world.” Louise Hay
This week’s post I dedicate to the following:
My beautiful Kayla (RIP)
My amazing and beautiful Aunt Lori(RIP)
Crazy Otis (RIP)
My awesome famjam and my Mighty Moms