My story and how I started to wend
According to dictionary.com the definition of wending is as follows:
verb (used with object), wend·ed or (Archaic) went; wend·ing.
to pursue or direct (one’s way).
verb (used without object), wend·ed or (Archaic) went; wend·ing.
to proceed or go.
How I came across this word is a bizarre story and one that you’ll really need to hear everything that led up to it to fully understand.
In 1990, I met a man. One that I placed all my hopes and dreams into. In finding this person, I really thought I would have it all. He had a job, a good job and wanted me around all the time. 2 months after we started on a whirlwind romance, I found out I was pregnant. I gave the new wonderful man an opportunity to walk then, but he stayed.
On March 15, 1991, I gave birth to a beautiful redhaired little girl who we named Kayla. She was the best baby, slept when she should, ate like a champ and was fast at EVERYTHING-babbling, walking, you name it, she did it.
16 months later, we welcomed her beautiful baby sister, a blond big baby, Kristina.
Life was “perfect” until it wasn’t. You see, Mr. Wonderful had mental issues. Bipolar to be exact. That turned into verbal and mental abuse for 15 years until something inside me said ENOUGH.
When Mr. Wonderful was out driving race cars, I packed up my beautiful pre teen girls and moved into the apartment I had secretly rented. I spent 6 months crying to myself and berating myself for being a “failure”. Again, something inside me said ENOUGH. I started to get out, I started to live…but I wasn’t taking care of myself because I didn’t know how yet.
My first grandchild was born this year! Liam, the sweetest and smartest kid ever. I also met some awesome people who started to teach me something called “self care” and “self love”. I started “Eating Clean” and exercising. My first workout I was doing was a Jillian Michaels DVD and I was hooked! I joined the gym and started taking Zumba classes. Exercise was fun but expensive and finding time for classes was not convenient.
It was around this time that the gym really stopped fitting my lifestyle so I stopped going. I gained alot of weight but more importantly than this, my mindset started to shift back to old patterns of anxiety and self doubt. I saw a friend was doing Beachbody workouts online so I asked about them and that is when my at home workout journey began. I was loving it, it fit in my busy life so easily and I was having so much fun!
People are saying 2020 is the worst year ever. For me, nothing will ever top 2017 for worst years. In 2016 my lovely beautiful first born Kayla announced she was going to have her first baby. We were all so happy for her. She had a relatively normal pregnancy. In January we had her baby shower which is where the above picture of us is from.
On January 23, I got a call that she was in the hospital and they were about to do an emergency c section. We all rushed to the hospital anxiously awaiting the baby’s arrival. I’m going to say now that as a mom….I had that nagging awful something’s wrong feeling but chalked it up to normal nerves. After the csection, they let me go see Kayla. She was rough, but again, she just had a baby! We chatted, and she urged me to go see the baby girl-Elena- in the neo natal area and to take her dad (my ex) with me.
Off we went, and I laid eyes on a gorgeous little girl and fell in love again.
Suddenly…alarms are sounding, code blue is called. Kayla is seizing. She has H.E.L.L.P syndrome, a deadly form of pre eclampsia. She is rushed to a trauma hospital, where decisions are made to try to save her life. A week later, January 31, we had to make the decision no parents should ever have to make. We removed life support, and Kayla took her last breaths.
Somewhere in this time…I had a dream. In it Kayla was about 6 years old and we were together in a shadowy, almost 2 dimensional place. She held my hand and said come on. I asked her where we were going and she said “Mommy, sometimes you just have to Wend. I am wending and I’ll get to where I need to be.” When I woke up, I was like WTF is wending? When I looked it up, I was like wow…that is pretty powerful. The term has stuck with me ever since.
Devastated is only one way to describe how I walked through life for the next few months. Anxiety and depression at an all time high…I wasn’t working out, I wasn’t really eating but man I was packing the wine back. One day, that inner voice again said ENOUGH.
I put on my workout clothes, I connected to the Beachbody app and did a workout called Shift Shop. Throughout the next several weeks, I cried my way through the difficult workouts listening the trainers positive messaging. I felt some clouds lifting. I signed up for peer counselling. I signed up for e counselling. I started living again. Do I credit Beachbody workouts for all of this? Hell no!! But it was a start to recovery.
The best thing to happen to me this year: the birth of my third grandson Landon!
Living life, I’m happy to say that I’m up to 3 grand kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. Taking care of myself. Started going to the gym. Getting up every day to hit that place before work, showering and going in. It was a lot. But, that’s what you do right? You plod on, eat, workout, work, home, make dinner, relax.
March 2020. All I can say is holy shit….the world SHUT DOWN. No restaurants, no gyms, no family get togethers. NOTHING. What do we do?? Suddenly working from home. No outlet for my mental health, no workouts. No social life. Anxiety begins again to get bad. I need to do something. I sign back up to Beachbody. I go back to the nutrition program they provided me years ago: 2B Mindset. Anxiety starts to subside, I’m in control again. I lose 10 pounds I’ve been struggling with. Quarantine is actually good for me!
I have now decided to create a blog. I need to do this because I need to share my story. I need to help other people that are silently struggling out there. I have put so much work into myself through trial and error I feel other people can really benefit from what I can offer. I have become a Beachbody coach as part of this process because I believe in their products and everything they have to offer. Stay tuned for more posts, which will include life stories, recipes and wellness tips and tricks. If you’ve made it this far…I thank you for taking the time to see my story.
#health #firstblogpost #beachbody #bfo
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